Relationships look different than they used to.

Preteens and young teens often have relationships with someone they don’t necessarily consider to be a boyfriend or girlfriend, and they may not consider themselves as “dating”.

You should consider “hanging out” with friends at the mall or going to a movie in a group as an early form of dating. Work with your young teen to establish rules and limits.

Preparing your Preteen for "Hanging Out" with Friends
(aka "early dating")

1. Set Rules and Limits. Clearly establish (and enforce!) age-appropriate ground rules. Rules and limits to consider:
   • Knowing the basics. Decide what information you want your preteen/teen to share with you prior to “dating”—who, what, where – and how he or she will get to/from where they are going. Decide on how much older or younger their dates can be.
   • Introductions. Request that you meet your child’s friends before they hang out, and the parents of your child’s friends if they will be hanging out at the friend’s house.
   • Curfews. Consider establishing a set time.
   • Technology. Monitor and set limits (e.g. what time of night texting and computer use should stop) on texting and computer use.
2. Set Expectations. Before the “date,” talk to your preteen about their expectations and how to handle certain situations. Teach your preteen/teen about how to say no—and how to respect other people’s wishes. Help him or her understand how to get out of an uncomfortable position.
3. Establish a Communications Plan. Let your child know you will come and get them at any time if they feel uncomfortable. If your child has a cell phone, you might want to set up a code system, such as a phrase you both know means "come pick me up ASAP."
4. Offer to Drive. Seriously. By driving the group, you will have the opportunity see who is going and overhear tidbits that might be useful!

Be available, and be ready. Make time for one-on-one interactions, and be alert for times your child wants to talk. What time (or times) of the day is your preteen is most likely to talk—is it during dinner? At bedtime? In the car? Out shopping or getting ice cream? Whatever time it is, take note, and be ready to talk when it works best for your child.

Let them know you are listening. When your young teen starts talking about concerns, stop what you are doing (if possible) and give them your undivided attention. By making time to listen, you are sending an important message to your child.

Give them what they need. Is your child looking for advice or help solving a problem? Or, are they looking for someone just to listen? Ask him or her, and respect their wish.

Be a good listener. Your child may test you by telling you a small part of what is bothering him or her to gauge your reaction. Listen carefully – even if what your child is telling you is difficult to hear. Encourage him or her to talk—you just might get to hear the rest of the story!

Resist arguing about who is right. Avoid giving critical or judgmental comments, even if you don’t agree with what your young teen says or feels. Instead say, "I know you may not agree with me, but this is what I think."

Keep the conversation going. Tell your young teen that your door is always open. Let him or her know that you want to talk about things that happen in his or her life, or to his or her friends at school or elsewhere. Assure your child that you will respect his or her privacy so long as no one’s safety is at risk. Raise the topic again at a later date to keep the conversation going.